IC CONTACT

[wizzardly]

VOICEMAIL:

"Er... yes, okay, I suppose I should tell you that if you're trying to reach me I'm not here, and if you're trying to reach me because you want to do something involving pointy bits of metal or otherwise painful objects, I'm never going to be here. So sorry."

Comments

[wizzardly]

[...okay, right, let's try this again.]

Oh, no, it's - have you alcoholics in your world? Addicts?

[aggressiveapathy]

Mm. Ish. We're at war with a totally different far away group of people with a different language. That's...yeah. Jeff could tell you better.

[She shrugs]

Worlds like mine don't get picked that much. Somehow. So you just...start sticking with other people. And animals. Because they're way better.

[lightandglory]

We have alcoholics, certainly. Brigands in particular are quite fond of that foul concoction. But... heavens, you aren't saying that Lord Baelish is among their number, are you? He's such a pleasant man!

[wizzardly]

[how do you lead a horse to water that has never seen a river?]

It's... a bit different. [patiently.] Bit worse, actually. Perhaps look it up on your device later? - But anyway, I was only thinking perhaps you could get through to him. Preach a bit, maybe. Er. Tell him how great serving the Light is.

[or what...ever it is priestess princesses do. As long as it will annoy the man to no end, Rincewind will be satisfied.]

You would have to be subtle, of course. If you mention me he'll know what you're up to and will refuse your help. But I do think you're one of the only people who could. ...Unless you know some other noble women who might lend their aid?

[wizzardly]

Still at war, though. That's rather a shame.

You're from the same world as Jeff then?

[aggressiveapathy]

I think so. But different states. So lived a million miles apart.

It's kinda weird how the Porter, like, usually only pulls in two or three people that know each other. Jeff and me never met until he started trying to seduce my husband.

[wizzardly]

At least most people still come from worlds the same shape as yours. That's something.

[but HOLD THE PHONE]

Did he really?

[aggressiveapathy]

Have you seen Will and Jeff together? He's totally just waiting for me to vanish to move in.

[ Ah. The far more familiar ground of chain yanking with a straight face. ]

[wizzardly]

Gosh. He was talking about watching Will in your underwear, but I thought it was a bit of a joke...

[aggressiveapathy]

It's a very tragic love story.

[A beat. April clamors up on to her knees, still on the bed, so she can peer at Rincewind.]

I need you to make me a promise.

[wizzardly]

[the wizard shirks back warily.]

Ah. And. That would be... what, exactly?

[aggressiveapathy]

It's...hard to say. I need to know you'll do it. Just. Take care of something. If I ever do go away.

[wizzardly]

What? I...

[why would she go away??? what is this important thing??? if it is important, why would she ever trust him with it???]

...I, er. Maybe? Probably. Possibly? If it's - Can't you just ask me first?

[aggressiveapathy]

Nope.

[She leans back away from him with a sigh.]

Not enough conviction. I'll just have to live in torment.

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind pulls his hat over his eyes, shoulders tight.]

Wait, no, just - yes, yes, all right, whatever the thing is, if you disappear or something I'll do it. What is it?

[aggressiveapathy]

I need to you find a new wife for Will. Before he and Jeff consummate their forbidden love.

[ This moment was worth maybe having to talk to Fred. So, so worth it. ]

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind lifts the hat enough to cast a startled look.]

Oh, gods. Oh, you don't - I'm no good at that! I'm really not! Wizards aren't even allowed to be with women, surely you'd want to rely on someone with more recent experience! I can't very well take out an ad!

[aggressiveapathy]

What?

[Forget the oath she totally just got out of him, April is honing in.]

Did they cut it off?

[wizzardly]

[aaaaand there's the full-faced flush. His ears look like cherry tomatoes.]

I'm not a eunuch! We're just not allowed! It's a vow of - of celibacy, sort of thing. No women allowed.

[aggressiveapathy]

I want the exact words. Tell me your vow.

[wizzardly]

It's not really put in exact words. Doesn't really have to be, does it? 'Don't have sex with women or we kick you out' is pretty clear.

[aggressiveapathy]

It's just weird you have to be gay to be a wizard. I thought magic didn't discriminate.

[wizzardly]

You don't have to be - ! I didn't say anything like that!

[some day Rincewind will learn to recognize when he is being teased, but today is not that day.]

[aggressiveapathy]

But you said banging guys is okay.

[wizzardly]

Well, it's - I mean, yes, I suppose, technically, but it's not like - like a requirement.