"Er... yes, okay, I suppose I should tell you that if you're trying to reach me I'm not here, and if you're trying to reach me because you want to do something involving pointy bits of metal or otherwise painful objects, I'm never going to be here. So sorry."
Probably, yes. Not as well of course, but that is the price of friendship, isn't it?
[But before this call starts to sound too emotionally manipulative...]
Another thing, Rincewind, if you don't mind -- I require your expertise. Given how much time you've spent at libraries here, could you recommend a book of modern American politics? Something comprehensive but not condescending. Something you would enjoy, in fact, as you're also from a world built upon quite different policy.
As long as they don't turn my skin blue or make me see things, I suppose. [pretending that jab didn't poke quite as hard as it did.]
Politics? [a pause.] I'm sure I could, yes. Running for mayor or something are you? Or is it for someone else? Only I thought your world was rather similar to this one already.
[a frustrated snarl. It's bad enough Petyr throwing Chilton's name in Rincewind's face every time he wants to make a point, but hearing his psychiatrist (his friend!) drop the noble's name in return is absolutely unbearable.]
Right, look, the last thing I need right now is to be compared to that Grand Vizier in the making, thanks.
[Decisively more sordid than previously anticipated.]
I also consider him to be a friend... But perhaps with less luggage than what you seem to be carrying. We've had a good few conversations, I know that he's interested in politics. I advocated Petyr's capabilities before Ambassador Hundred.
But of course he's interested in politics, he's a lord. [the eye-roll is nearly audible.] If he considers you a friend it's because he thinks he can use you, you realize that, right?
My friends do not use me, Rincewind. If you dislike the man simply because he was born into some position, I might have to call that prejudice. [A beat.] Understandable, given your... Wizardly situation, I know. But I have only had pleasant interactions with Petyr, so I really must wonder what else he has done to irk you.
...Lord Vetinari, you're referring to Lord - [an irritated noise] - never mind, never mind, this is getting off track.
Look, Chilton, you have to trust me here, I don't have to know him to know him, do you understand? I've run through a lot of countries from a lot of people and do you know what happens? You start to see the same sorts pop up in different places. You start to recognize patterns.
And Lord Petyr Baelish is a pattern I know intimately well.
I've already said. Do you know all those stories with sultans and grand viziers? Scheming megalomaniacs who are inexplicably always someone's most trusted adviser? The sort of men who put words like "exquisite" next to words like "pain"?
You've just described the majority of my doctoral peers. [Another pause, but one weighted with a tender recognition, right before:] You do not have to fear for my person, if that's your concern. I'm in no danger. I thought perhaps he had aimed some insult at you, I know he has a sharp tongue. [Much like Chilton himself.] But, really, this is good to know. If ever I host a party, I can't have you two sitting tableside to each other.
Rincewind is all but tearing his hair out on the other end, taking a deep breath through his nostrils once he realizes he's being brushed off. Like picking a cat up by the scruff that won't stop mewing; you take it out with relative kindness, but mostly you take it out so you can get back to dinner.]
He's an ambitious bastard who can't be trusted past self-interest.
[and quickly, before Chilton can tut at him:]
That's all I'll say on him for now, all right, fine, but just - don't say I didn't.
...He can damn well pick out his own bloody book though.
[People have said the same of me, was what Chilton very nearly argued -- until, reflexively, he thought better of it. Probably not the best tactic, to remark upon the similarities between himself and Baelish while Rincewind listed what he despised in the latter.
Also probably better not to invite scrutiny in general. Chilton liked Rincewind, and he wanted Rincewind to continue liking him. It was a behavioral sequence he was still learning to perfect.]
My friendship with him does not threaten my friendship with you. [Reassurance was something Chilton could do, like a little scratch behind feline ears.] I admire you in different ways, wizardly ways.
Even if your luggage tracks in mud, at least it hasn't been left unattended. If you catch my drift.
[he's feeling petulant enough not to respond at first, but the urge lasts only a few seconds. Rincewind receives praise so rarely that it often raises nothing but suspicion in him.
Praise from someone he trusts is a different, even rarer matter entirely; he trusts Frederick Chilton.]
We're both survivalists. You've pointed that out before. So just. Don't forget it, all right? People with short knives instead become very good at getting close.
...And you know I wouldn't warn if it weren't that I that I valued being your friend as well.
We won't make this into a discussion of Baelish's knife size.
[Chilton couldn't mask that smile in his voice.]
But point taken. [Or, at least, acknowledged. Whether or not it was taken to heart remained unknown. The fact he was even willing to listen indicated that Rincewind's confirmation of friendship did indeed mean something to the doctor.]
At least he isn't your biggest problem -- any new development on that one? Or has Lucifer been biding his time?
Quite honestly, I'm hoping he will find himself another toy to occupy his agenda. I know how that sounds, but I cannot help but hope for such an outcome.
[At least he's honest.]
... Maybe that is a direction worth investigating.
He has pawns to pursue. That's a different mindset -- the chase. If only we could find someone to unwittingly replace your current position in Lucifer's ranks.
[It wasn't a pretty thought, but Chilton was sincere in his suggestion.]
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I still think some sort of talk should be able to happen. [because it's bloody inconvenient.]
But yes, yes, I'm still interested. They'll get the job done, will they?
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[But before this call starts to sound too emotionally manipulative...]
Another thing, Rincewind, if you don't mind -- I require your expertise. Given how much time you've spent at libraries here, could you recommend a book of modern American politics? Something comprehensive but not condescending. Something you would enjoy, in fact, as you're also from a world built upon quite different policy.
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Politics? [a pause.] I'm sure I could, yes. Running for mayor or something are you? Or is it for someone else? Only I thought your world was rather similar to this one already.
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You've met Petyr Baelish, haven't you?
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[a frustrated snarl. It's bad enough Petyr throwing Chilton's name in Rincewind's face every time he wants to make a point, but hearing his psychiatrist (his friend!) drop the noble's name in return is absolutely unbearable.]
Right, look, the last thing I need right now is to be compared to that Grand Vizier in the making, thanks.
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Three beats.]
I take it you and he had a disagreement?
[Because otherwise, thought Chilton, that was the caustic scorn usually reserved for ex-lovers. Had to be a hell of a disagreement.]
Was it so bad?
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[he practically spits the word.]
What are you doing involved with him?
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I also consider him to be a friend... But perhaps with less luggage than what you seem to be carrying. We've had a good few conversations, I know that he's interested in politics. I advocated Petyr's capabilities before Ambassador Hundred.
[It's that serious.]
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[hah.]
But of course he's interested in politics, he's a lord. [the eye-roll is nearly audible.] If he considers you a friend it's because he thinks he can use you, you realize that, right?
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I have the gist, not the details. I don't make a habit of listening to children speak.
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Look, Chilton, you have to trust me here, I don't have to know him to know him, do you understand? I've run through a lot of countries from a lot of people and do you know what happens? You start to see the same sorts pop up in different places. You start to recognize patterns.
And Lord Petyr Baelish is a pattern I know intimately well.
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[Because to Chilton, Baelish was a charming, flattering, intelligent man who appeared to really like Chilton.
And that made Chilton like him.]
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Rincewind is all but tearing his hair out on the other end, taking a deep breath through his nostrils once he realizes he's being brushed off. Like picking a cat up by the scruff that won't stop mewing; you take it out with relative kindness, but mostly you take it out so you can get back to dinner.]
He's an ambitious bastard who can't be trusted past self-interest.
[and quickly, before Chilton can tut at him:]
That's all I'll say on him for now, all right, fine, but just - don't say I didn't.
...He can damn well pick out his own bloody book though.
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Also probably better not to invite scrutiny in general. Chilton liked Rincewind, and he wanted Rincewind to continue liking him. It was a behavioral sequence he was still learning to perfect.]
My friendship with him does not threaten my friendship with you. [Reassurance was something Chilton could do, like a little scratch behind feline ears.] I admire you in different ways, wizardly ways.
Even if your luggage tracks in mud, at least it hasn't been left unattended. If you catch my drift.
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Praise from someone he trusts is a different, even rarer matter entirely; he trusts Frederick Chilton.]
We're both survivalists. You've pointed that out before. So just. Don't forget it, all right? People with short knives instead become very good at getting close.
...And you know I wouldn't warn if it weren't that I that I valued being your friend as well.
[and it's not jealousy. It's not.]
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[Chilton couldn't mask that smile in his voice.]
But point taken. [Or, at least, acknowledged. Whether or not it was taken to heart remained unknown. The fact he was even willing to listen indicated that Rincewind's confirmation of friendship did indeed mean something to the doctor.]
At least he isn't your biggest problem -- any new development on that one? Or has Lucifer been biding his time?
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Gosh, I think that time I managed to enjoy a full nine minutes without thinking of him. No, everything's still quiet.
[because Rincewind already has his brand and marching orders; nothing more needs to be said.]
The house is warded though.
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[At least he's honest.]
... Maybe that is a direction worth investigating.
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[Miles and Gregor and the poor bastards associated with them.]
The best I can do is leave him to it.
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[It wasn't a pretty thought, but Chilton was sincere in his suggestion.]
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