IC CONTACT

[wizzardly]

VOICEMAIL:

"Er... yes, okay, I suppose I should tell you that if you're trying to reach me I'm not here, and if you're trying to reach me because you want to do something involving pointy bits of metal or otherwise painful objects, I'm never going to be here. So sorry."

Comments

[aggressiveapathy]

I think so. But different states. So lived a million miles apart.

It's kinda weird how the Porter, like, usually only pulls in two or three people that know each other. Jeff and me never met until he started trying to seduce my husband.

[wizzardly]

At least most people still come from worlds the same shape as yours. That's something.

[but HOLD THE PHONE]

Did he really?

[aggressiveapathy]

Have you seen Will and Jeff together? He's totally just waiting for me to vanish to move in.

[ Ah. The far more familiar ground of chain yanking with a straight face. ]

[wizzardly]

Gosh. He was talking about watching Will in your underwear, but I thought it was a bit of a joke...

[aggressiveapathy]

It's a very tragic love story.

[A beat. April clamors up on to her knees, still on the bed, so she can peer at Rincewind.]

I need you to make me a promise.

[wizzardly]

[the wizard shirks back warily.]

Ah. And. That would be... what, exactly?

[aggressiveapathy]

It's...hard to say. I need to know you'll do it. Just. Take care of something. If I ever do go away.

[wizzardly]

What? I...

[why would she go away??? what is this important thing??? if it is important, why would she ever trust him with it???]

...I, er. Maybe? Probably. Possibly? If it's - Can't you just ask me first?

[aggressiveapathy]

Nope.

[She leans back away from him with a sigh.]

Not enough conviction. I'll just have to live in torment.

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind pulls his hat over his eyes, shoulders tight.]

Wait, no, just - yes, yes, all right, whatever the thing is, if you disappear or something I'll do it. What is it?

[aggressiveapathy]

I need to you find a new wife for Will. Before he and Jeff consummate their forbidden love.

[ This moment was worth maybe having to talk to Fred. So, so worth it. ]

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind lifts the hat enough to cast a startled look.]

Oh, gods. Oh, you don't - I'm no good at that! I'm really not! Wizards aren't even allowed to be with women, surely you'd want to rely on someone with more recent experience! I can't very well take out an ad!

[aggressiveapathy]

What?

[Forget the oath she totally just got out of him, April is honing in.]

Did they cut it off?

[wizzardly]

[aaaaand there's the full-faced flush. His ears look like cherry tomatoes.]

I'm not a eunuch! We're just not allowed! It's a vow of - of celibacy, sort of thing. No women allowed.

[aggressiveapathy]

I want the exact words. Tell me your vow.

[wizzardly]

It's not really put in exact words. Doesn't really have to be, does it? 'Don't have sex with women or we kick you out' is pretty clear.

[aggressiveapathy]

It's just weird you have to be gay to be a wizard. I thought magic didn't discriminate.

[wizzardly]

You don't have to be - ! I didn't say anything like that!

[some day Rincewind will learn to recognize when he is being teased, but today is not that day.]

[aggressiveapathy]

But you said banging guys is okay.

[wizzardly]

Well, it's - I mean, yes, I suppose, technically, but it's not like - like a requirement.

[aggressiveapathy]

You aren't sleeping with guys? So...

Oh my god you-

[The look of horror may be slightly real.]

How could you? To luggage?

[wizzardly]

[still flushed with embarrassment, Rincewind scrambles up off the bed to point an accusing finger.]

- You had better not be suggesting what I think you're suggesting! Let's make this very clear, all right? I'm not sleeping with anyone or anything! I haven't since - since -

[he has to take a moment here.]

- Well it's been at least a decade. [a pause.] If. That time counted. Anyway, anyway, that still doesn't answer why you think I'd be the best person to find someone for Will.

[aggressiveapathy]

Well. You'll pick a good person. And not just a hot one. Like Jeff. Or crazy. Like Fred. So.

Because you have no lust. I guess.

[wizzardly]

...Well that last part sounds inaccurate. But of course I'd take all factors into account. I might not have experience with it, but I know it's no small thing, taking a wife. There are - steps involved. Things to account for.

[it would have to be done right. Probably paperwork should be involved.]

[aggressiveapathy]

I don't- so if you like girls, why do you have to sleep with other guy wizards?