IC CONTACT

[wizzardly]

VOICEMAIL:

"Er... yes, okay, I suppose I should tell you that if you're trying to reach me I'm not here, and if you're trying to reach me because you want to do something involving pointy bits of metal or otherwise painful objects, I'm never going to be here. So sorry."

Comments

[aggressiveapathy]

It's...hard to say. I need to know you'll do it. Just. Take care of something. If I ever do go away.

[wizzardly]

What? I...

[why would she go away??? what is this important thing??? if it is important, why would she ever trust him with it???]

...I, er. Maybe? Probably. Possibly? If it's - Can't you just ask me first?

[aggressiveapathy]

Nope.

[She leans back away from him with a sigh.]

Not enough conviction. I'll just have to live in torment.

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind pulls his hat over his eyes, shoulders tight.]

Wait, no, just - yes, yes, all right, whatever the thing is, if you disappear or something I'll do it. What is it?

[aggressiveapathy]

I need to you find a new wife for Will. Before he and Jeff consummate their forbidden love.

[ This moment was worth maybe having to talk to Fred. So, so worth it. ]

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind lifts the hat enough to cast a startled look.]

Oh, gods. Oh, you don't - I'm no good at that! I'm really not! Wizards aren't even allowed to be with women, surely you'd want to rely on someone with more recent experience! I can't very well take out an ad!

[aggressiveapathy]

What?

[Forget the oath she totally just got out of him, April is honing in.]

Did they cut it off?

[wizzardly]

[aaaaand there's the full-faced flush. His ears look like cherry tomatoes.]

I'm not a eunuch! We're just not allowed! It's a vow of - of celibacy, sort of thing. No women allowed.

[aggressiveapathy]

I want the exact words. Tell me your vow.

[wizzardly]

It's not really put in exact words. Doesn't really have to be, does it? 'Don't have sex with women or we kick you out' is pretty clear.

[aggressiveapathy]

It's just weird you have to be gay to be a wizard. I thought magic didn't discriminate.

[wizzardly]

You don't have to be - ! I didn't say anything like that!

[some day Rincewind will learn to recognize when he is being teased, but today is not that day.]

[aggressiveapathy]

But you said banging guys is okay.

[wizzardly]

Well, it's - I mean, yes, I suppose, technically, but it's not like - like a requirement.

[aggressiveapathy]

You aren't sleeping with guys? So...

Oh my god you-

[The look of horror may be slightly real.]

How could you? To luggage?

[wizzardly]

[still flushed with embarrassment, Rincewind scrambles up off the bed to point an accusing finger.]

- You had better not be suggesting what I think you're suggesting! Let's make this very clear, all right? I'm not sleeping with anyone or anything! I haven't since - since -

[he has to take a moment here.]

- Well it's been at least a decade. [a pause.] If. That time counted. Anyway, anyway, that still doesn't answer why you think I'd be the best person to find someone for Will.

[aggressiveapathy]

Well. You'll pick a good person. And not just a hot one. Like Jeff. Or crazy. Like Fred. So.

Because you have no lust. I guess.

[wizzardly]

...Well that last part sounds inaccurate. But of course I'd take all factors into account. I might not have experience with it, but I know it's no small thing, taking a wife. There are - steps involved. Things to account for.

[it would have to be done right. Probably paperwork should be involved.]

[aggressiveapathy]

I don't- so if you like girls, why do you have to sleep with other guy wizards?

[wizzardly]

Right, and I believe that about does it for the Topic of Rincewind tonight. Have you any other conversation starters?

[aggressiveapathy]

No, no, no. This is important. I need to know how you'll choose Will's future bride.

[wizzardly]

...Well it'd take a bit of research, I suppose. Perhaps just keep an eye out for women who seem nice and take a few notes on them. Can't have it be someone allergic to dogs, after all. Or someone who thinks fish should be allowed to vote, that sort of thing.

[aggressiveapathy]

But what kind did you go for. You're not playing the virgin card, right?

[wizzardly]

I'm not a virgin. [with a huff.]

But I don't know, just... kind women, I suppose. Things like lovely hair or a nice bottom are all well and good, but it's not much of an indicator on whether you'll be slapped or not.

[mostly Rincewind didn't "go" for women so much as stumble awkwardly into one or two who looked at him and shrugged.]

[aggressiveapathy]

That-

[Wait. Waaait. A thought occurs so violently it derails everything else April was about to say.]

Who else did you tell?