IC CONTACT

[wizzardly]

VOICEMAIL:

"Er... yes, okay, I suppose I should tell you that if you're trying to reach me I'm not here, and if you're trying to reach me because you want to do something involving pointy bits of metal or otherwise painful objects, I'm never going to be here. So sorry."

Comments

[wizzardly]

It's not really put in exact words. Doesn't really have to be, does it? 'Don't have sex with women or we kick you out' is pretty clear.

[aggressiveapathy]

It's just weird you have to be gay to be a wizard. I thought magic didn't discriminate.

[wizzardly]

You don't have to be - ! I didn't say anything like that!

[some day Rincewind will learn to recognize when he is being teased, but today is not that day.]

[aggressiveapathy]

But you said banging guys is okay.

[wizzardly]

Well, it's - I mean, yes, I suppose, technically, but it's not like - like a requirement.

[aggressiveapathy]

You aren't sleeping with guys? So...

Oh my god you-

[The look of horror may be slightly real.]

How could you? To luggage?

[wizzardly]

[still flushed with embarrassment, Rincewind scrambles up off the bed to point an accusing finger.]

- You had better not be suggesting what I think you're suggesting! Let's make this very clear, all right? I'm not sleeping with anyone or anything! I haven't since - since -

[he has to take a moment here.]

- Well it's been at least a decade. [a pause.] If. That time counted. Anyway, anyway, that still doesn't answer why you think I'd be the best person to find someone for Will.

[aggressiveapathy]

Well. You'll pick a good person. And not just a hot one. Like Jeff. Or crazy. Like Fred. So.

Because you have no lust. I guess.

[wizzardly]

...Well that last part sounds inaccurate. But of course I'd take all factors into account. I might not have experience with it, but I know it's no small thing, taking a wife. There are - steps involved. Things to account for.

[it would have to be done right. Probably paperwork should be involved.]

[aggressiveapathy]

I don't- so if you like girls, why do you have to sleep with other guy wizards?

[wizzardly]

Right, and I believe that about does it for the Topic of Rincewind tonight. Have you any other conversation starters?

[aggressiveapathy]

No, no, no. This is important. I need to know how you'll choose Will's future bride.

[wizzardly]

...Well it'd take a bit of research, I suppose. Perhaps just keep an eye out for women who seem nice and take a few notes on them. Can't have it be someone allergic to dogs, after all. Or someone who thinks fish should be allowed to vote, that sort of thing.

[aggressiveapathy]

But what kind did you go for. You're not playing the virgin card, right?

[wizzardly]

I'm not a virgin. [with a huff.]

But I don't know, just... kind women, I suppose. Things like lovely hair or a nice bottom are all well and good, but it's not much of an indicator on whether you'll be slapped or not.

[mostly Rincewind didn't "go" for women so much as stumble awkwardly into one or two who looked at him and shrugged.]

[aggressiveapathy]

That-

[Wait. Waaait. A thought occurs so violently it derails everything else April was about to say.]

Who else did you tell?

[wizzardly]

About what?

[aggressiveapathy]

That you don't remember what sex feels like. Because it's been a million years.

[wizzardly]

All right, I just want to point out that both of those things are inaccurate. Let's make that clear.

[he still has his PRIDE, April.

...A little bit. He's pretty sure. If he goes looking for it.]

But I've told a few other people. ...A man named Shade. I think I told Dorian, but I can't remember, that night's a bit of a blur. Jeff. Kitty. That little weasel git Lord Baelish.

Why?

[aggressiveapathy]

You're my new favorite reality show.

[She doesn't know about the others. But Jeff and Dorian? Oh god. It was all going to be so beautiful as they attempted to wingman.]

[wizzardly]

What does that mean?

[he is nervous. When April gets excited that generally means something terrible.]

[aggressiveapathy]

I want to know about all the dates they send out on- all of them. In exchange, I'll give you three lifelines.

[wizzardly]

[he has so many questions, it's hard to pick where to start.]

Lifelines?

[aggressiveapathy]

I'll help you. On your dates. You send a text or something and I'll show up and make the date end.

[wizzardly]

[which brings him to his next question.]

Why do you think they're going to get me to go on dates? That's somewhat against the point of the whole thing.