IC CONTACT

[wizzardly]

VOICEMAIL:

"Er... yes, okay, I suppose I should tell you that if you're trying to reach me I'm not here, and if you're trying to reach me because you want to do something involving pointy bits of metal or otherwise painful objects, I'm never going to be here. So sorry."

Comments

[aggressiveapathy]

Nah. There's...it's a shitshow. All around. But I'm right.

[ Her and Will versus Will and Chilton and just...ugh. ]

But. I know he's been bitchy with the whole...I don't know. Sexing you to sleep or whatever. So. Yeah.

[wizzardly]

[HAHA WHAT WOW

Rincewind's ears go bright pink, and he tugs his hat down so far it covers his eyes completely.]

That's not what it is! And it's - it's fine, it's not... ideal, obviously, but there are pills and things. It'd be a bit much, me expecting all this to blow over just so I can sleep better. I'm not asking that.

[and he's inordinately relieved that she's not asking him to choose, that she doesn't seem inclined to hate him for trying to maintain what have been two good relationships for him.]

[aggressiveapathy]

[ She can't even ask Will to chose, how could she push it on other people? Fred is the devil, sure. But so are half the people in this place. So. All she can do is do what works for her. In this case it involves rolling in his sheets, because maybe luggage uses a little more softener than she's used to. ]

So it's just the cuddling after? That helps.

[wizzardly]

...You're just teasing me now. [sullenly.

He peeks out from under his hat enough to see her rolling, and offers:]

You could have the Luggage do more of your laundry, you know. If you don't already. You'd probably have it dancing for you, it'd be so pleased.

[aggressiveapathy]

I don't know what he does. I don't know why he won't come here. I'm just saying why he's an asshole.

[ ...that she would scream at if he came here. But, whatever. he's a grown man. He can deal.]

Can't give them what they want. Then no one's happy.

[wizzardly]

[yeah, he's. Pretty sure she knows why. They've already hashed this out, as far as Rincewind's concerned, it's no party dwelling on it.]

Just do me a favor, and don't be too mean to the Luggage. The last time a woman broke its heart I lost track of it for nearly a week and it came back smelling of seaweed and spiced liquor.

[aggressiveapathy]

You're lying.

[That gets her to roll over (on his bed, a fact she's ignoring) to face him. No way the luggage had a broken heart. ]

[wizzardly]

Oh, it was sad. You wouldn't believe. [a slight, cautious smirk.]

Her name was Conina. Barbarian hero sort, lovely but absolutely terrifying. [Rincewind had quite the argument with his own libido over her, but that ended up as much of a failure as everything else in his life.]

The Luggage took quite the shine to her, but she was always put off by it. She kicked at it and sent it away from her one time it was trying to fight beside her, broke its little wooden heart in two. Sent it on quite the bender.

[aggressiveapathy]

Drank all the furniture polish it could find?

[ He is winning a war she didn't know was happening, April grinning over at him just at the joke idea of the luggage liking someone else. Please. She was a magical, once in a life time thing.

Clearly.]

Where were you?

[wizzardly]

Probably put a bar out of business, more like. It has a surprising taste for alcohol at times. It just... takes it quite a bit to effect it.

[he gets up, wandering over idly to sit on the edge of the bed.]

Oh, I was being captured at the time. Then there was the whole mess of breaking out, of course, and then a terrible trip on a flying carpet and having to stop a sourcerer from releasing the creatures of the Dungeon Dimensions and destroying the Disc. But the Luggage caught up with me eventually. [a slight smile.] It always does.

[aggressiveapathy]

[She scoots to accommodate him on the bed. Just in case, you know, he wanted to use his own bed more fully than just being shoved to an edge. April doesn't know whether to believe any of that or not- it's the exact kind of bull she'd say straight faced to people for her own entertainment. But the man did come with living luggage. Things in his world were slightly more probable than her being a vampire queen.

Also, feeding luggage alcohol was now on the list of things to do.]

You're life is either terrible or we're going into the con artist business together.

[wizzardly]

Oh, it's absolutely that first one. Did you know I was literally in hell before I came here? Bloody teenager accidentally summoned me out of the Dungeon Dimensions. Disappointing for both of us, I assure you.

[Rincewind clucks his tongue, then lets the corner of his mouth turn up in a smirk, casting April a meaningful glance.]

...No reason it couldn't be a bit of both, though. I'm quite good with a con when I need to be. I work best under pressure, of course, but - I did convince the demon guarding the gates of hell I was there as an emissary from a sort of demonic worker's union. Could make us quite the pair.

[aggressiveapathy]

[ She sits up on one elbow, smirking a little as this plan starts to come together. ]

Mm. If you're already damned, considered a career in law?

[wizzardly]

Now hold on, who says I'm damned? I wasn't dead when I went down there. Personally I'm still hoping for some sort of... beach-side afterlife.

I'd better stay away from law anyway; can't have Jeff getting too jealous, can we?

[aggressiveapathy]

Doesn't damned just, like, rub off? Like spending time with hipsters. Eventually you become one of them.

[ Says April, the hipster. Hush. Part of being part of a group is hating that you are part of it, right? ]

And you could be another office girl. We need someone new to pick on.

[wizzardly]

I suppose I'll find out eventually.

[he balks at this suggestion.]

This is a robe, you know, not a dress.

[aggressiveapathy]

It's not the robe.

[ She will not be saying what it is, just smirking. From his bed. She doesn't care. ]

But I don't know if I believe you. How can you be in hell and not get a tan. Or some rad tattoos.

[wizzardly]

[This is going to bother him forever. Expect guesses at random times throughout the week now, April.]

Because I was trying to escape the whole time? Didn't stay very long. And I don't know what tattoos have to do with any of it.

...Tell me something about your world then. I don't think I've ever heard you mention.

[aggressiveapathy]

My world isn't anything.

[She gives a small shrug]

I lived in a small town in the middle of nowhere and did nothing except, like, marry penguins and terrorize local shop keeps. We didn't even have a single serial killer.

[wizzardly]

...I don't suppose you're taking newcomers?

[because that sounds lovely, sign him up.]

Is the technology like here?

[aggressiveapathy]

Mm. Ish. We're at war with a totally different far away group of people with a different language. That's...yeah. Jeff could tell you better.

[She shrugs]

Worlds like mine don't get picked that much. Somehow. So you just...start sticking with other people. And animals. Because they're way better.

[wizzardly]

Still at war, though. That's rather a shame.

You're from the same world as Jeff then?

[aggressiveapathy]

I think so. But different states. So lived a million miles apart.

It's kinda weird how the Porter, like, usually only pulls in two or three people that know each other. Jeff and me never met until he started trying to seduce my husband.

[wizzardly]

At least most people still come from worlds the same shape as yours. That's something.

[but HOLD THE PHONE]

Did he really?

[aggressiveapathy]

Have you seen Will and Jeff together? He's totally just waiting for me to vanish to move in.

[ Ah. The far more familiar ground of chain yanking with a straight face. ]